If You’re Going to Kick a Llama In the Neck…

295/365 - bad llama.First know this – I’m not going to judge you for clicking the link to read this article. In fact, if you have any desire whatsoever to kick a llama in the neck, reaching out for help is probably a good early step toward recovery from your obvious problem… but again, I don’t judge you. I’m just glad you came here.

Now, I know that you might be asking the obvious: why would anyone have any particular bent toward llama-kicking? There’s a great lesson to be learned here… it’s better that some questions just remain unanswered. So without further delay, if you’re going to kick a llama in the neck…

(Insert great tagline here, like THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO KICKING A LLAMA IN THE NECK)…

  1. If you’re going to kick a llama in the neck, have a good reason. Nobody likes a person who would kick an innocent llama without cause or provocation. In fact, I’m fairly sure it’s illegal to begin with, so do check with your local authorities before trying this at home… or at that farm at the edge of town that has llamas.
  2. Wear a good pair of running shoes. And I’m fairly certain you should be in decent shape. You do NOT want to pass out while running from an angry llama.
  3. Do your research. Find out how fast llamas can run. One person on Yahoo Answers swears that Mexican llamas can run a 100-meter dash in 12.8 seconds and that a Brazillian one can do it in under 11! If you click the link, you’ll see that two people seemed to be arguing about it…
  4. Watch for obstacles. In fact, you should probably plan your escape route in advance. Take note of barbed wire fences you’ll need to clear, sink holes (if you live in a karst topographical area), and cow patties… especially since you have a nice pair of running shoes on. Pay attention!
  5. Notify someone of your whereabouts before you go, so that if anything should happen to you, a rescuer can be dispatched when you don’t make it back in time. Don’t tell them what you’ll be doing.
  6. Do NOT hate the llama before kicking it. Recent legislation could make this even more of a crime than kicking a llama you don’t hate… assuming it’s against the law. Again, check with your local authorities.
  7. Sort out the ethical dilemmas first. Will you kick a sleeping llama? An aged llama? A llama with three legs? These situations might seem safer, but we do have to approach something like llama-kicking on the moral high ground. Just… make it a fair fight!
  8. Make sure both of your running shoes are tied… before kicking.
  9. Choose the right conditions. Rain could soak the grass, making things slippery, so that when you kick, you’ll fall on your own neck. And then, you’ll be in the perfect position for a stressed out llama to kick you, even without cause or provocation. Llamas have their own ethics.
  10. Should you complete the task, make a vow to never, never… never do it again. Llamas have great memories and a penchant for revenge kickings.

Next week… there are more than one ways to skin a cat! If you know more than one way… seek help, now!

Creative Commons License photo credit: B Rosen

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